I often talk about how strong-willed Anneka is. I guess it has to come from some where. Maybe she's inherited it from me: I can be stubborn and I have a temper too.
Yesterday was not a good day. I was very tired after what seemed like a million night disturbances - well not a million, but too many for me. I was friggin' tired and that's when that temper of mine becomes very hard to suppress. And the nature of Paul's work means that sometimes he is home a lot and spends lots of time with the kids, but other times he's mostly gone and I have to run the whole program...without a car...sigh. ANYWAY, bitching aside, I kept going outside to breath fresh air and walked away from the situation on numerous occasion. Still...
Anneka and I butted heads all day long. She was tired too. She went to bed at 10 and got up at 7. Ridiculous. The problem is the nap piece. She's been making it very clear to me that she doesn't want it - most days. Then when she has it it's often after 2pm when she falls asleep and I reluctantly wake her at 4. I've still been pushing the nap because I want it! Yesterday I just took it as a given. She'd sle hour late nap the night before, and was also very tired and grumpy. Two peas in a pod butting heads. Yesterday I was not very accepting. But last night, after both babes were asleep I stepped back from the situation and thought about it realistically.
The situation was nap. Even though she was very tired she did not want to, and did not, nap. I insisted, she refused, for a long time. Finally, I dropped her off at my friends because she, and sleep deprivation, were making me crazy.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
A Tale of Two Births
While both my beautiful girls are sleeping, I am going to try to write this epic tale.
Doctor Martin said to me that one's second or third birth experience often resolves anything left undone from the first. She told me this after Halle's birth and, for me, it rings true. Another thing is that while Anneka's birth stayed with me for a long time, Halle's is fading fast.
After Anneka's birth, Paul was charged. He kissed me, almost in tears and told me I was a hero, powerful and beautiful. But I didn't feel like a hero: I felt a little defective; as he said, like my body had let me down. Later on, at home, my midwife asked me how I felt about my birth experience and tears came to my eyes. There was something unresolved. I settled with the experience as best I could, but felt a bit of confusion when I thought back to it. I feel I made the right decisions under the circumstances but never knew what would happen if only I could have just waited. But I hung onto the things about the birth that I was truly proud of, and now I know I have a a lot to be proud of, as does every woman whose birth doesn't proceed as she would have wished. To every birth there is a story.
I had wanted a midwife and a home birth for Anneka. I wanted to do everything as naturally as possible. I was prepared. I did perennial massage and we took a private hypnobirthing course. I read. I prepared our home. I decorated the bathroom with beach rocks and selected beautiful music. I had expectations - too many.
For a few days before Anneka was born I had prelabour symptoms. Contractions would come during the night and I was not able to get a good night's sleep. But I stared at the full moon, dreamed and painted and wrote to the little child inside me. I was ripe with emotion. I didn't know what active labour felt like so I focused on what was going on with my body and every sign of ensuing labour. I called my midwife and told her what was going on. She said it didn't sound like real labour and was unusual for first time moms. She said this sort of thing was more common with women who had already had a couple of pregnancies. This was the first thing that made me feel odd. After telling Doctor Martin the story of my first labour, she told me, that I would probably not have as much pre-labour and that labour would progress more quickly the second time; this was a common pattern. It doesn't matter who was right, what matters is that Dr. Martin made me feel normal.
Then an unexpected thing happened. My water broke. There was merconium in the water, which meant we had to go to the hospital. Although my midwife still did not believe I was in real labour, I was six centimeters dilated by the time we got there. After two hours of being there and mild contractions I did not dilate sooner. This is when she dropped the old "we expect about one centimeter per hour bomb". Sure Amy had delivered four babies in the previous five days and was dead tired, but could she not have been a bit more patient and supportive? If that were true, no one who delivers vaginally would have a labour longer than 10 hours. Again, she made me feel as if my body weren't working properly. In a over crowded hospital, with an antsy midwife and obstetrician, I consented to augmentation with pitocin. I was tired, concerned about my baby, being to believe that my labour was unusual and wanted to get on with things. Anneka was born, extremely quickly there after. I now know how intense contractions are (no relief) when a labour is augmented. I also now know I would have delivered Anneka just fine with no pitocin sooner or later. I'm proud at how I handled the situation, and that I stayed focused with no pain treatment of any kind through extremely strong contractions.
Halle's birth resolved it all. I expected another start/stop labour with only mild to moderate contractions for a long time, before, hopefully, I would transition without aid. I had few expectations, and ignored any signs of pre labour or early labour. Braxton Hicks that took on a rhythm, I ignored. There was less menstrual-like pain. Halle was due February 9th. I didn't discuss the possibility of having her early, or any warning signs. I did nothing to try urge labour along.
On February 3rd, Anneka in daycare, I took the day off work, realizing I may not have another chance for a day to myself. I bused as close as I could get to a massage practitioner to use up my coupon while still pregnant. I was well rested, and energetic. I walked as quickly as I could the remaining distance (about 20 minutes) to make it on time. I had a beautiful, relaxing massage. Then I ran/walked back to make the bus on time and then picked Anneka up from daycare. Paul made some Indian Food for dinner. It was delicious and spicy. I had a glass of wine. Anneka went to bed.
At 9pm I was lying on the couch reading, having some strong Braxton Hicks. At 10 I stared getting ready for bed. I couldn't get to sleep because of strong but irregular contractions. At 11 I suggested Paul sleep on the couch so I didn't disturb him, thinking these contractions would end eventually. Paul helped me make myself comfortable with the exercise ball, the sheepskin, a candle, water and some music in the bedroom, then went out for a short sleep on the couch. I listened to Deva Premal and Shamanic Dream, and leaned over the ball with every contraction - kneeling on the sheepskin, putting myself into a trance. Sometimes a walked around the room and rocked against the wall. I felt calm. I was unaware of passing time.
At midnight I started timing contractions. They were about four minutes apart and lasting 45 seconds. At one, I woke Paul up. He sat on the bed, rubbed my shoulders between contractions and timed them. He figured they were lasting a minute or more. He felt we should call Elizabeth to come over for Anneka and consider leaving. I held off for another hour, then during a strong contraction walked to the bathroom and sat with tremendous discomfort on the toilet. I gave myself an internal exam. I was surprised that the first thing I felt was a huge balloon of water hanging over my cervix. I managed to find my cervix and feel a line of an opening along the edge of the balloon. It was long - really long. I felt an enormous pressure and like I wanted to push.
Elizabeth came over quickly and Paul called my doula, Erin, to meet us at the hospital. We got there at 2:30. I stood in the door between the admitting room and the registration desk flanked by Paul and Erin. The admitting nurse came over to us and looked at me oddly. "Are you in labour dear?" She said. "Yes, I think so!" I said. She said I didn't look too uncomfortable and I told her my first labour was much longer and maybe it was too soon for me to be there. As she was registering me, I had to walk away to focus through the next contraction. She decided that maybe I was pretty uncomfortable after all. In that short time between arriving and being escorted to a room to wait for Dr. Martin, contractions amplified and became more frequent and the pressure was tremendous. I couldn't sit, and felt like I could push the baby out with each one. We were left alone in the room. Paul went to tell the nurse I wanted someone to check me now. Out talked to myself aloud, assuring myself this was the way it was supposed to feel. Erin massaged my back. The nurse checked me than got the doctor on duty. He checked me and confirmed that I was fully dilated and that we were just waiting for Dr. Martin!
I walked on my toes to the delivery room. There was no way I could sit. I was extremely uncomfortable and excited too. I crawled up onto all fours on the delivery table - the most comfortable position for me. It seemed like everyone was stalling. Finally I heard Dr. Martin's voice telling me she was there and I could start pushing any time. She showed me how to lean my body over the back of the bed and then told me to bring my hips to my heels when I pushed. I did. She named the parts of Halle's face as they appeared which motivated me to push out her whole head. Then I took a break for a few minutes. Then with the second push out came the rest of her.
Dr. Martin ran two red lights, arrived at 3:15 and at 3:36 Halle was born - about an hour after we met outside the hospital. The rest was great. Dr. Martin passed Halle between my legs so I could see her right away. She was squirmy and purple. I was overjoyed to see my little girl - close to tears. Paul cut the chord. Dr. Martin conducted everything so smoothly. She gave me a couple of stitches where Halle's shoulder had torn me. Halle was wide eyed and almost silent. She let out a few short cries, wriggled around and then went back to sleep until 7am.
Two things are interesting. One being that Halle, a baby who turned over into the breech position at least twice up until the last week before her birth, is very wriggly and still, occasionally, will end up on her tummy when placed on her back. Last night I lay her on her back and she immediately flipped onto her tummy. I picked her up and she flipped out of my hands and thumped a foot down onto the floor. She was upset, but OK.
The second is how she responds to the sound I used in labour. As of late she has often been really fussy late in the evening. If I put my mouth close to her ear and make the sound I use in labour, she quiets almost immediately. It is a sound I make back in my throat that carries a lot of vibration. I wonder if she remembers it? The other night, as I was listening to Deva Premal in the darkened living room, rocking Halle and "singing" in her ear, it felt as if I were back in the birth, leaning over the ball in my bedroom.
I am beginning to remember so many details, writing this. Maybe I'll write some more later so I don't lose them, but for now this is enough. If I were to allow myself to imagine an amazing birth experience, I would not have even come up with one as beautiful and exciting as this. This time around I could have easily birthed at home, but under the circumstances, the Squamish hospital was the right choice. We were the only ones there and so got the best room with an amazing view of the chief. I mean we were the ONLY ones there, not the only ones birthing. This birth has allowed me to fully embrace the first. And now I love it. I love Anneka's birth; every bit of it. It has helped to make me who I am and helped me to prepare for the second the right way. Everything about having children is teaching me to be accepting. Accepting of them and all that they are, accepting of me and all that I am, and accepting of life.
Tomorrow night, at Halle's fussiest time, I am going to take her to Sanskrit chanting and see if it has the same effect as my birth "song" has on her. She's been invited!
(And I have Helga Beer to thank for the song.)
Doctor Martin said to me that one's second or third birth experience often resolves anything left undone from the first. She told me this after Halle's birth and, for me, it rings true. Another thing is that while Anneka's birth stayed with me for a long time, Halle's is fading fast.
After Anneka's birth, Paul was charged. He kissed me, almost in tears and told me I was a hero, powerful and beautiful. But I didn't feel like a hero: I felt a little defective; as he said, like my body had let me down. Later on, at home, my midwife asked me how I felt about my birth experience and tears came to my eyes. There was something unresolved. I settled with the experience as best I could, but felt a bit of confusion when I thought back to it. I feel I made the right decisions under the circumstances but never knew what would happen if only I could have just waited. But I hung onto the things about the birth that I was truly proud of, and now I know I have a a lot to be proud of, as does every woman whose birth doesn't proceed as she would have wished. To every birth there is a story.
I had wanted a midwife and a home birth for Anneka. I wanted to do everything as naturally as possible. I was prepared. I did perennial massage and we took a private hypnobirthing course. I read. I prepared our home. I decorated the bathroom with beach rocks and selected beautiful music. I had expectations - too many.
For a few days before Anneka was born I had prelabour symptoms. Contractions would come during the night and I was not able to get a good night's sleep. But I stared at the full moon, dreamed and painted and wrote to the little child inside me. I was ripe with emotion. I didn't know what active labour felt like so I focused on what was going on with my body and every sign of ensuing labour. I called my midwife and told her what was going on. She said it didn't sound like real labour and was unusual for first time moms. She said this sort of thing was more common with women who had already had a couple of pregnancies. This was the first thing that made me feel odd. After telling Doctor Martin the story of my first labour, she told me, that I would probably not have as much pre-labour and that labour would progress more quickly the second time; this was a common pattern. It doesn't matter who was right, what matters is that Dr. Martin made me feel normal.
Then an unexpected thing happened. My water broke. There was merconium in the water, which meant we had to go to the hospital. Although my midwife still did not believe I was in real labour, I was six centimeters dilated by the time we got there. After two hours of being there and mild contractions I did not dilate sooner. This is when she dropped the old "we expect about one centimeter per hour bomb". Sure Amy had delivered four babies in the previous five days and was dead tired, but could she not have been a bit more patient and supportive? If that were true, no one who delivers vaginally would have a labour longer than 10 hours. Again, she made me feel as if my body weren't working properly. In a over crowded hospital, with an antsy midwife and obstetrician, I consented to augmentation with pitocin. I was tired, concerned about my baby, being to believe that my labour was unusual and wanted to get on with things. Anneka was born, extremely quickly there after. I now know how intense contractions are (no relief) when a labour is augmented. I also now know I would have delivered Anneka just fine with no pitocin sooner or later. I'm proud at how I handled the situation, and that I stayed focused with no pain treatment of any kind through extremely strong contractions.
Halle's birth resolved it all. I expected another start/stop labour with only mild to moderate contractions for a long time, before, hopefully, I would transition without aid. I had few expectations, and ignored any signs of pre labour or early labour. Braxton Hicks that took on a rhythm, I ignored. There was less menstrual-like pain. Halle was due February 9th. I didn't discuss the possibility of having her early, or any warning signs. I did nothing to try urge labour along.
On February 3rd, Anneka in daycare, I took the day off work, realizing I may not have another chance for a day to myself. I bused as close as I could get to a massage practitioner to use up my coupon while still pregnant. I was well rested, and energetic. I walked as quickly as I could the remaining distance (about 20 minutes) to make it on time. I had a beautiful, relaxing massage. Then I ran/walked back to make the bus on time and then picked Anneka up from daycare. Paul made some Indian Food for dinner. It was delicious and spicy. I had a glass of wine. Anneka went to bed.
At 9pm I was lying on the couch reading, having some strong Braxton Hicks. At 10 I stared getting ready for bed. I couldn't get to sleep because of strong but irregular contractions. At 11 I suggested Paul sleep on the couch so I didn't disturb him, thinking these contractions would end eventually. Paul helped me make myself comfortable with the exercise ball, the sheepskin, a candle, water and some music in the bedroom, then went out for a short sleep on the couch. I listened to Deva Premal and Shamanic Dream, and leaned over the ball with every contraction - kneeling on the sheepskin, putting myself into a trance. Sometimes a walked around the room and rocked against the wall. I felt calm. I was unaware of passing time.
At midnight I started timing contractions. They were about four minutes apart and lasting 45 seconds. At one, I woke Paul up. He sat on the bed, rubbed my shoulders between contractions and timed them. He figured they were lasting a minute or more. He felt we should call Elizabeth to come over for Anneka and consider leaving. I held off for another hour, then during a strong contraction walked to the bathroom and sat with tremendous discomfort on the toilet. I gave myself an internal exam. I was surprised that the first thing I felt was a huge balloon of water hanging over my cervix. I managed to find my cervix and feel a line of an opening along the edge of the balloon. It was long - really long. I felt an enormous pressure and like I wanted to push.
Elizabeth came over quickly and Paul called my doula, Erin, to meet us at the hospital. We got there at 2:30. I stood in the door between the admitting room and the registration desk flanked by Paul and Erin. The admitting nurse came over to us and looked at me oddly. "Are you in labour dear?" She said. "Yes, I think so!" I said. She said I didn't look too uncomfortable and I told her my first labour was much longer and maybe it was too soon for me to be there. As she was registering me, I had to walk away to focus through the next contraction. She decided that maybe I was pretty uncomfortable after all. In that short time between arriving and being escorted to a room to wait for Dr. Martin, contractions amplified and became more frequent and the pressure was tremendous. I couldn't sit, and felt like I could push the baby out with each one. We were left alone in the room. Paul went to tell the nurse I wanted someone to check me now. Out talked to myself aloud, assuring myself this was the way it was supposed to feel. Erin massaged my back. The nurse checked me than got the doctor on duty. He checked me and confirmed that I was fully dilated and that we were just waiting for Dr. Martin!
I walked on my toes to the delivery room. There was no way I could sit. I was extremely uncomfortable and excited too. I crawled up onto all fours on the delivery table - the most comfortable position for me. It seemed like everyone was stalling. Finally I heard Dr. Martin's voice telling me she was there and I could start pushing any time. She showed me how to lean my body over the back of the bed and then told me to bring my hips to my heels when I pushed. I did. She named the parts of Halle's face as they appeared which motivated me to push out her whole head. Then I took a break for a few minutes. Then with the second push out came the rest of her.
Dr. Martin ran two red lights, arrived at 3:15 and at 3:36 Halle was born - about an hour after we met outside the hospital. The rest was great. Dr. Martin passed Halle between my legs so I could see her right away. She was squirmy and purple. I was overjoyed to see my little girl - close to tears. Paul cut the chord. Dr. Martin conducted everything so smoothly. She gave me a couple of stitches where Halle's shoulder had torn me. Halle was wide eyed and almost silent. She let out a few short cries, wriggled around and then went back to sleep until 7am.
Two things are interesting. One being that Halle, a baby who turned over into the breech position at least twice up until the last week before her birth, is very wriggly and still, occasionally, will end up on her tummy when placed on her back. Last night I lay her on her back and she immediately flipped onto her tummy. I picked her up and she flipped out of my hands and thumped a foot down onto the floor. She was upset, but OK.
The second is how she responds to the sound I used in labour. As of late she has often been really fussy late in the evening. If I put my mouth close to her ear and make the sound I use in labour, she quiets almost immediately. It is a sound I make back in my throat that carries a lot of vibration. I wonder if she remembers it? The other night, as I was listening to Deva Premal in the darkened living room, rocking Halle and "singing" in her ear, it felt as if I were back in the birth, leaning over the ball in my bedroom.
I am beginning to remember so many details, writing this. Maybe I'll write some more later so I don't lose them, but for now this is enough. If I were to allow myself to imagine an amazing birth experience, I would not have even come up with one as beautiful and exciting as this. This time around I could have easily birthed at home, but under the circumstances, the Squamish hospital was the right choice. We were the only ones there and so got the best room with an amazing view of the chief. I mean we were the ONLY ones there, not the only ones birthing. This birth has allowed me to fully embrace the first. And now I love it. I love Anneka's birth; every bit of it. It has helped to make me who I am and helped me to prepare for the second the right way. Everything about having children is teaching me to be accepting. Accepting of them and all that they are, accepting of me and all that I am, and accepting of life.
Tomorrow night, at Halle's fussiest time, I am going to take her to Sanskrit chanting and see if it has the same effect as my birth "song" has on her. She's been invited!
(And I have Helga Beer to thank for the song.)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Where Have I Been?
More than a month...
Wanting to write lots about everything. Happy. Things going well. Tired - sometimes.
Halle's Birth: tremendous. Unexpectedly quick. About 5 hours from start to finish. Very powerful, very smooth, very joyous. Completely uncomplicated.
Halle: Beautiful. Long. Squirmy. Growing. Sleeping a lot. Pooing. Seeing and listening. Quite content with her world. Nice.
Anneka: Funny and cute. Caring and kissing. Never stops talking. Never stops asking and pushing boundaries. Ever persistent. Ever strong minded. Busy and jubilant, contrary and crying. Accepting, accepting and welcoming her baby sister.
Me and Paul. Even busier but pleased. Very pleased with our girls.
My goal. To get and stay in shape, to smile but be honest.
Wanting to write lots about everything. Happy. Things going well. Tired - sometimes.
Halle's Birth: tremendous. Unexpectedly quick. About 5 hours from start to finish. Very powerful, very smooth, very joyous. Completely uncomplicated.
Halle: Beautiful. Long. Squirmy. Growing. Sleeping a lot. Pooing. Seeing and listening. Quite content with her world. Nice.
Anneka: Funny and cute. Caring and kissing. Never stops talking. Never stops asking and pushing boundaries. Ever persistent. Ever strong minded. Busy and jubilant, contrary and crying. Accepting, accepting and welcoming her baby sister.
Me and Paul. Even busier but pleased. Very pleased with our girls.
My goal. To get and stay in shape, to smile but be honest.
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