Learning Limits

I haven't been feeling as upbeat lately.  This is exhausting.  Paul's back so that's good, but aside from filming on decent days, Paul has editing work, and aside from instructing, my job comes with many meetings, course revisions, curriculum and program development, professional development, marking and today, a certain issue that has come up with a student that has been rather consuming.

Wednesday and Thursday I reserve to be with the girls all day before I head to work in the early evening on Thursday.  Unfortunately many meetings get scheduled on Thursdays.  I usually opt out with seems to have been accepted, but yesterday was one which needed me there.  So, I took the girls!  I think it was refreshing for everyone having them there although it made it a bit hard to get through my agenda item and a couple of my colleagues looked a little perplexed by my allowing Halle to eat off the floor (or was that my imagination?).  Anneka was really excited to see where I work, check out the classrooms, ride the elevator and eat in the cafeteria afterward.  Halle was feeling super social and crawling around and visiting people during the meeting and in the cafeteria.  I was able to introduce them to a number of my students that also have little kids which was quite fun for me, and I hope I made a bit of a point about scheduling meetings on certain people's days off!!  (A little side agenda!)

I guess the silver lining in all of this is that my family time is sacred and not to be wasted or wished away.  But as I said before the lack of personal time is taking a toll.

On Wednesday I took the girls to the Callaghan Nordic Site again.  It was a another beautiful day.  This time I discovered my limits.  I took Anneka's downhill skis and boots and the plastic sled and carried all this gear in the chariot.  We stopped at the learning area, strapped on Anneka's boots and skiis and with Halle on my back practiced making "pizza" (snowplough) and "french fries" and tromping around.  Mostly she was between my legs.  I had some trouble getting her boots on her and getting Halle strapped on my back and although she enjoyed it, Halle did not.  Then I put them in the sled and sent them down the little hill.  That was much easier.  I sent them down a bigger hill.  They capsized and Halle rodeo rolled over and over about three or four times.  She was really upset, I felt bad.  It was too much work for me.  It was mentally exhausting staying patient and upbeat and physically taxing.

Finally I went for a ski, but by that time the kids had finished there snacks and were ready to get inside out of their gear and have some lunch, so I had to cut it short.  I felt a bit sorry for myself because what I really wanted was to go for a vigorous ski.

It is a nice lodge and even mid-week there are other mums and kids there so it is always a nice social time for me and the girls.  We hang out on the couches by the fireplace and Halle gets to stretch her limbs.  Aside from C, I have yet to see another parent, let alone mum, hauling two little kids around.  I'm sure they exist but they are few and far between.  So if I can't manage the ski-learning/sledding part as well, I don't feel so bad.  With all this effort and activity you'd think I'd be losing weight ...but no.  I don't understand; maybe it's a change in my metabolism.

Blog Addict

I'm blogging a lot.

It's because I have no one to talk to.  I tried to call an old friend and my mom by there's no one home.  I was tempted to call a local friend to bring me a bottle of wine but that seemed pathetic.  I could invite someone over to share it with me, but then I'd have to stay up later than 10 which is my bedtime.  It has to be because I hate being tired and I have no relief.  Ever.  Day 8, going on 9, soon to be 10 and counting.

I do a lot during the day.  I talk to tonnes of people:  colleagues, students, G, the kids about all sorts of things.  I'm talking most of the time, but I'm never debriefing.  Well kind of - with Anneka.  That's pretty funny.  She's so funny and astute.  Ms. Astrid thinks she is a very talented artist.  I'm not bragging; she just is all this...and much more.

Debrief.

Rise at 5:45.  Coffee, dress, marking, planning - check.
6:45 G arrives.  Leave.  Get another muffin and coffee for the road.  Some CBC.
Work - check (enough said)
Arrive home 3:45
Kids fed, played with (doctor), bathed, teeth, Vit. D, cuddled, snuggled, tickled, kissed, read to, nursed, tucked in, asleep - check.  (Halle is very snotty and has a bit of a fever.  She's also a bit irritable.)
Kitchen cleaned, house tidied, floors swept, garbage out - check.
Overall energy left - good.  Still going strong.  Will drop dead asleep in 1.5 hours.
Mental alertness - just beginning to fade.
Physical body - could use a good workout followed by a yoga session.
Present motivation - nil.
Morale - could use some company and a glass of wine.

I'm on house arrest. Many nights over this last week, I've thought a glass of wine would be nice.  This is probably the hardest thing about this solo gig - that glass of wine is right around the block, but may as well be in China.

Cold, Sunny Sunday

Halle having breakfast before her big ski day stoked to be sitting at the big girl's table and eating toast with almond butter and jam.

Anneka stoked to be allowed to have a wrap with peanut butter and jam for breakfast IN THE LIVING ROOM and WATCHING A MOVIE ON THE IPOD while Mum gets geared up.

As soon as we woke, I knew we would be going skiing.  No matter what.  C adn the girls were up for it too.  The first x-country ski of the year was hours of preparation, but finally it resulted in a great deal in a shared corporate pass which includes rental of the chariot.  (Ummm...I also rear-ended someone as we were inching the last few hundred meters up the Callaghan because I was dealing on my cell phone.  I felt horrible. It's all OK though.  And, I'd rather not dwell on the bad.) It'll be much faster next time and there is no need to rush out and buy a ski attachment.

Finally we skiied.  "Faster Mum, faster.  You know why you fell Mum?  Because you weren't doing a pizza.  My Dad taught me how to ski.  You have to do a pizza Mum.  I want an icicle.  Mum get me an icicle.  I just saw a beautiful butterfly tree.  Mum, did you know the Berenstein Bears live way up in a tree?  I just saw a deer's house.  Mum you're not going fast."  And on, and on...It's great.

 

We left late after hanging and socializing in the lodge and ended up driving home in the dark.  "The sun has it's blanket on.  That's my star beside the moon.  I see it everynight.  Did you know the sun and the moon are friends?..."  After a grocery shop for the week, putting the kids to bed, putting everything away and cleaning the kitchen, I would like to relax on the couch and read, but I know I should go to bed to have the energy for another full day.  The girls are snoozing in our room again and I'll probably be joining them soon.

Ughhh, another divergent post.

I'm not particularly happy with my last post.  It was a bit of a manic moment at the end of a work day.  I think there are so many thoughts floating around in my head as we embark on this new chapter of working mummy, absent daddy, and nanny.  Thoughts about my kids and how they are adjusting, thoughts about specifics of work, larger thoughts about life in general, and thoughts about details of food, exercise, health.

I happen to be very lucky right now in my overall health (colds aside) and my ability to stay calm, take things as they come, and achieve rest.  I cringe a little when I read my last post, because I know things can be really hard for mothers (and fathers) and I don't want to be flippant or unsympathetic to other mothers who may have many questions about how best to cope, especially when it comes to getting rest.  I know, because I've been there.

When I had to substitute teach in the mornings when Anneka was quite young with Paul away, I would have trouble settling at night because I would worry about all I had to do to get us both out the door in the morning and still leave myself enough time to be prepared for class.  I found it very difficult.  It was these sorts of worries that caused me to lose sleep, more so than any sleep interruptions.

I am able to cope now, because I am well rested.  When one isn't well rested, thinking can become confused and problems seem bigger than they are.  I don't think much beyond the next hour these days, if that.  I still plan for things, but then I try to let them go.  I remain organized enough that I don't forget (most) obligations, dates and duties, but take one thing at a time.  It is the only way I can do this.

My kiddos are both in my room again.  Anneka was definitely showing signs of wear tonight.  She really wanted me to play with her duplo with her before bedtime even though she was so tired.  She was so tired that even the usual before-bed routine (bath, snack etc.) took an tiresome amount of time and a fair amount of tears.  I know she just wanted mummy time, but the duplo was too much.  I read them stories in bed told her a story about when I was little and then turned off the lights.  Still, Anneka sobbed herself to sleep (I think it was inevitable).  Thank goodness it is the weekend and I can really be present with my kids.

Halle literally screamed.  That is so unlike Halle, but she just seems so full of energy these days and after waking up from a nap at five, probably wasn't ready to go to sleep.  She did, however, in her cooperative way, lay herself down and wait for sleep to come.  She is full of surprises.  She's not really showing any signs of wear and tear, and it was her, more than Anneka, I was worried about.  She seems so excited about life and so happy.  Friends who have seen her about, have even reported this to me, and apparently at Strong Start today, she was a crowd pleaser and a social butterfly.  Any stranger anxiety, or apprehension has seemed to melt away over these last few weeks.  Because Anneka is quite strong, independent, outgoing and perceptive, and now the eldest child, I forget sometimes that she is only three and she really is my little buddy.  It's a lot for her to adjust to.

The most challenging thing for me is going to be the lack of down-time.  I need it, but when I'm not working I feel like I need to make up the lost time with my kids, so I find myself trying to do even more as a mother, and letting them stay up a little later just so we can hang out.

This week was atypical of what it will be like though.  Additional work obligations in this first week required me to be there all five days and the kids were under someone else's care (mostly G but one day at a friends) for 39 hours!  Wow, they have actually done amazingly well.  And to add to the stress on their little lives, Daddy has been away.  (Paul, Anneka is asking about you so much - she really misses you!).

Snapshot

Have you ever had a male coworker walk into your office while you are pumping breastmilk? 

Halle and Anneka, oh dear, Halle and Anneka.  I think you are doing fine.  I'm sure it will get tough but we are off to a good start.  It will be nice when Paul-Daddy is home.

I return home at 7:20pm after being away for 6 hours doing some pre-term prep and teaching my first class.  I look quietly through the front window to see G and the girls sitting together on the couching reading and talking.  Anneka is engaged, Halle is trying to climb over the side of the couch to get to the book shelf.  I can hear her shrieking her excited shriek.

I open the door and Halle goes nuts giggling and squealing and dragging G who is holding her hands in my direction.  She is all over me and can't get to the boob fast enough.  Anneka is talking but is busy at the coffee table and doesn't look up.  Halle is being too noisy for me to hear everything Anneka is saying, but I catch "Did you miss me, Mum?"

"I missed you so much, did you miss me?"

- "Yes."

"You missed me so much that you can't even be bothered to look up when I get home?"

She looks up and smiles her wicked smile.  They are both in great spirits and although they are bathed, in PJ's and have been fed dinner, I can't get them to sleep until 8:30.  Halle is full of beans, but is so obedient about going to sleep she lies down in the playpen beside our bed anyway.  Anneka wants a snack. 

"Where would you like to sleep?"

"In your bed."

"Oh, OK."

When I take Anneka in Halle stands up.  I tuck Anneka in and lie Halle back down.  "Don't talk to Halle"  I tell Anneka.  She doesn't and I walk out.

Anneka falls asleep SO quickly in our big comfy bed (even through Halle's attempts to get her attention) but Halle stands up and starts crying for her and me.  I leave, go and eat and tidy up a bit in the kitchen (it's mostly been tidied).  Halle cries for a bit before she lies herself back down.  It doesn't bother me.  She's there with Anneka, knows how to put herself to sleep, is in her familiar environment and I need to eat.

This is how we sleep when Paul's gone.  We have a King sized bed and Anneka has taken to crawling into our bed in the middle of the night anyway.  It may seem a regression.  Anneka slept all night with no disturbances from 13months to 2 years 4 months in her own bed (and from 18 months without a pull up).  One month before Halle was born, she started staking her territory. 

Sleeping with and nursing Anneka during the night, although she was generally a fairly good sleeper, was harder for me the first time.  I wanted her beside me, but I did not always fall back to sleep so easily, sometimes I would lie awake thinking.  Although there would be periods of time when I would barely wake up, I would be deceiving myself by saying it was always so lovely sleeping together.  I think this first time around, there would have been no perfect solution.  It was just my adjustment to motherhood and my adjustment to sleep interruption and sleep deprevation, and some anxiety that these things manufactured.  With Anneka next to me, was how I coped the best, but she certainly did not suffer from sleeping alone, she began getting really solid sleeps.  In retrospect I would probably do things with Anneka the same way, I would just think about it less!

With Halle, you couldn't keep me awake.  If neither she nor Anneka bug me all night long which does happen every once in a while, I sleep all night, uninterrupted.  To wake up a 7 and realize it is your first wake-up is positively blissful.  Even with the 1 - 3 night feedings Halle usually demands, I feel pretty good these days, as long as I put myself to bed early.  I am actually lucky in that I have only experience low-grade sleep deprivation from time to time, this time around.  I am lucky in that both my babies have been pretty good about sleeping a stretch of a decent length of time, (yes, there have been rough patches) and I am never awake thinking this second time around.  It doesn't really bother me where any of us sleep as long as we sleep, and I seem to be able to sleep the sleep of a non-parent.

Halle started sleeping on her own accord in her own playpen bed since seven months.  She stopped falling asleep at the breast, started sucking her blanket and I found she went back to sleep more quickly in her own bed.  Unlike with Anneka, I've never felt any unease, either, about her sleeping separately.  Until, I clear out some of Anneka's toys there is no option for Halle to move into Anneka's room either.  So here we are in 2011, all in Mama's bed!  I LOVE IT....but I don't think Paul will.

I justify this easiest option, but saying, "Hey look, Halle and Anneka have gotten used to going to bed at the same time in the same room!"  It's true.  They have, they do.  They are sisters, going to bed together and sleeping together. 

One day they will be sisters sleeping together in their own bedroom!!

How did this post turn out about sleep?  All this said, and since I'm on sleep, I wonder when I'll night wean Halle.  I just start thinking I might tackle it, when she goes and sleeps all night on her own, then I start hoping maybe she'll be a baby that does it on her own. I wouldn't put it past Halle.  We can always hope!

Post Festivas

Oh, I love my title, a double entendre.  Am I clever?  I feel clever - is that OK?

I feel very clever for having a wonderful "G" (that's she who cannot be named) or "helper", aka "nanny".  Actually it is Paul who is clever for putting a simple ad on craigslist and finding her, not I who posted ads with nanny services describing a hypothetical "Nanny McPhee" or "Maria" thereby probably intimidating many good prospects.

G came today and is taking over three days/week as I transition to a 30 hour work week.  We spent the morning going through routines, food and all sorts of details of the young people's lives while Anneka was at  morning preschool and Halle was napping.  Their lives are actually simple, as they should be.  Luckily for G my children are dreamy - hehe.  Well, Halle is a dream baby and they are both loaded with exuberance and personality.  Where did they get it from - teehee?

Organization.  Something I desire to have - so much that sometimes it runs my life.  This day is about getting organized for the next chapter.  Watch out!  The next chapter will be a fast read, so action packed will it be.  Paul will be in the Koots by tomorrow and then where? and then where? before he ends up in Norway and Mamma will be slogging away at the grind.  Thank you G.  I know you are going to be wonderful with the girls and we are all going to get along just great.

Yesterday was about blowing off all that needed to be reorganized after returning home from the holidays and about having fun!  Man was I a B, I, T, C, H the day before.  Why?  Because even though Christmas was a bit of a rest with lots of other adults around and the cousins for playing and I went for a couple of runs and hikes, did yoga, visited friends and went to the pub, there were still kids to dress, feed, put to sleep and look after through it all.  Yesterday I had a ski day.  No, not a slog with kids in tow, a Whistler Mountain ski day with a good buddy!  So fun!  What a view.  Man, Paul, you have pursued the dream.  GOOD FOR YOU!  xox