The week following the release of the disappointing news that our program and department area was being drastically (and immediately) cut has unraveled as a sequence of unplanned and emotionally demanding events.
Actively pursuing any task or partaking in all events that could help to prevent or diminish this unwanted prospect became my main focus and at the end of it all I find myself with a sore throat, stomach pains (which have thankfully subsided) and fairly substantial fatigue (the fatigue that comes with fighting an illness). It reminds me of exam period in university where inevitably I'd wind up sick after all those late nights of cramming - but only after the last exam had been written.
I'm done though; I'm done with it. There has been a good show of student support with many letters written and it is not over, but I have taken myself out of it. As a temporary employee I've done all I feel I should do without jeopardizing my position; I can now grieve! It really feels like grief. At a meeting with senior Administration on Friday people mentioned how they have been losing sleep over all this and I mentioned that was one thing I was grateful for - maintaining my sleep. Murphy's Law that night I awoke in the night replaying events and conversation and was awake for a couple of hours. Last night I slept all night but it felt more light with thoughts and dreams still gravitating toward this event.
Plans for last week were to drive to Vernon with the girls and have a relaxing time with Grandma. We did have a nice time and it was relaxing the two days I was there but I ended up leaving the girls there, driving back for a night and a day of meetings and returning to Vernon the following night. However I think it was really special for the girls to spend so much quality time with their Grandma. We got back (again) from Vernon on Thursday and on Friday Auntie Char saved my butt by coming up so I could wrap up all lose ends at work. (Picnicking in the sun by the Lillooet gas station, the girls stained orange from popsicles, I felt like turning the car south; if only we were completely free and I'd had our passports.)
Plans for tomorrow were to start full time work for the first summer term. It was going to be intense but I was ready; everything was ready. It wasn't my first choice to work full time but it seemed too good an opportunity to turn down. So, in a way this is good; it just takes some time to transition to. With no work, I can no longer justify paying for childcare which has meant no Gretel - so sad. Thankfully she has another job. I was nervous about going from a working mum back to a full time mom, but I've found it's just like riding a bike. Despite not being in top form my house is already cleaner if not tidier and the girls are being great.
One thing about all the action is it has made these first three weeks of Paul being away whiz by. Only two to go but now that life is slowing down so will the time. Actually, it's not that life is slowing down (particularly for the kids whose rhythm and routine has never changed) but that it won't be as varied for me. When I come home from work and Paul is away it is just me and the kids. I am so happy to hang out with them. A colleague who was expecting his first baby asked me how I managed to maintain patience and remain engaged with the kids after a day of work and I said something that at the time probably seemed to make no sense, or rather state the obvious, and that was that being with my kids was like coming home for me. What I think I meant is that they centered me or connected me with my simple self. Luckily for me I had a job that (most of the time) energized me event though it might sometimes tire me out. So being with them after work made me feel warm and cozy inside and after they have been fed and bathed we'd hang out on my bed and play and read.
I always invite Anneka into our bed when Paul is gone and love having them both nearby. This past week Halle has also been waking up in the night and when she wakes I always nurse her. And when they are in the same room they seem to get up earlier for the day - always before seven. Last night my needs switched. After being with them so much I recently instead of wanting them close I wanted my space. This little crib of Halle's is so awesome. I wheeled it into Anneka's room and put them to sleep in there. I didn't hear a peep from them all night and they slept until 6:45. Then I wheeled it back into my room today to make space in A's little room (which is slowly becoming H and A's room). It is back there again tonight. Halle seems excited about this until she's actually put in her crib. It is probably difficult to reconcile not having the cuddly nursing session in the dark before being put down. I'll take a chair in next time and try to replicate this.
And here we are. The whole summer before us with no plans and endless possibilities. Let the sun shine and the adventures begin!!
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