Sometimes I hear grumblings or yearnings of greater freedom spoken by newish mums, especially those now onto their second child. Almost into the third year with my second child, I can not recall feeling such a need in sometime. I recall fantasizing about a trip away on my own, to get away from it all and just have my own damn space to move freely, think freely and follow my own rhythm to somewhere warm, tropical, spicy .... but that was a while ago.
Maybe that is because we no longer have a baby? Although I still nurse Halle two or three times a day, I have more of my body to myself. Halle likes to do things for herself: walk up and down the stairs, climb into her carseat, do up her seatbelt, put on her own socks and shoes, which gives me a bit more freedom of body. Freedom of mind tends to follow freedom of body. In some ways I feel I am obtaining this freedom I previously desired right here at home.
Maybe it is because my ability to find freedom has changed? Maybe I've become a better freedom-seeker. There's freedom in my thought, there's freedom in my choices; when I'm with my children, whether it be sitting beside them in the bath putting on goofy puppet shows, tented under the comforter with the star maker in the dark telling stories and singing songs, or walking in the rain as they stomp in the puddles, there is freedom. They invite me into their world of total freedom of thought; freedom of imagination. Who is more free from conforming to social norms - them or me? Who is more free from self-judgement - them or me?
Absolutely I still desire doing fun and healthy and fun and not-so-healthy things and that they are unable to participate in at my level - skiing, yoga and nights out, for example - but it is not freedom from them I desire. In some ways, they have brought me greater freedom. As with anything, it's all a matter of perspective.
Halle-luna will be two in two weeks. Her capacity for imagination is as big and round as the moon - imaginary things are so real to her. Still, she is a bit like a skittish foul - prancing, jumping, tossing her head, playing and startling. Jumping out of her skin with excitement and fear. When her little cousin is over she goes completely nuts. And she is so, so loud. She talks, shrieks and laughs (and cries) so much and so loudly she loses her voice! She has fantastic linguistic abilities. She is putting together completely articulate sentences of four, sometimes five words. We converse...in no time at all, her language will reach a point where she will be able to explain her actions. I can't wait to see her logic behind some of her lunatic actions. She is going through quite a defiant and aggressive streak. Her and her little cousin have hysterical fun together but since I now look after her two days a week I think Halle is feeling a little unsure of her postion - that combined with her adored Dada being away- may be cause for some off her difficult behaviour.
These two girls I love so much. They are, currently, a source of freedom for me.
